Manager: “I’m sorry. Sir, we have no time opened on the course today.”
Golfer: “Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I’m sure you’d find a starting time for them.”
Manager: “Of course we would, sir.”
Golfer: “Well, I happen to know they’re not coming, so we’ll take their time.”
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?”
“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.
“But I have come all the way from the other end of town? says the guy.
“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.
So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.
“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.
“Well, all right then? replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you - don’t start anything!”
What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?
One’s a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, ‘Sure.’ About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, ‘No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.’ So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The hit man replies, ‘Sure.’ So Jack looks and says, ‘YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife. Wait, there’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too!’ This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ‘I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.’ Jack responds, ‘$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.’ The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, ‘What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, ‘Relax….. I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!’
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it?
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back?
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and. it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!” The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
Why do dogs lick themselves?
Because they can.
sahil
31 May, 2008