A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

.

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.

“That’s okay”, replied the priest.

“I got him with the door!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

“What’s a license???”

replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

“Now may I see your registration?”

asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?”

asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment.”

said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

“Yes.”

replied the officer

“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?”

asked the dispatcher

“Uh… yes.”

replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do.”

said the dispatcher.

“Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.”

exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.”

said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs…..

“Ohh no… not another breathalyser

Below is a list of words. Read each of these words with the word “bear” before each all the way down.

Bear
Say
Ass
Dumb
This
Make
Can
I
Times
Many
How
Look

Now repeat the exercise going up the list.

Now read the list going up without saying bear before the words.

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

“Can’t you see, Ben,” intoned the parson, “that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?”

“Well, I sort of disagree there,” replied the backslider. “It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify God’s ways to the 21st century.)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

:Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

:God

#Enter password.

:Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create light

#Done

:Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create firmament

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

:Create dry_land

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

:Run sun_moon_stars

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish

#Done

:Create fowl

#Done

:Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle

#Done

:Create creepy_things

#Done

:Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create man

#Done

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

:Insert breath

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Garden.edn

#Done

:Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

:Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

:Insert man into woman

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

:Create desire

#Done

:Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create freewill

#Done

:Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

estroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create good, evil

#Done

:Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

elete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.

estroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

:Break
:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

:Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.

estroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

estroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

One day, a blonde’s neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

”I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!”

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.

2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

4. Sit on lid – cat’s efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.

5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.

6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.

7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

* This is fiction – You couldn’t get a man to scrub a toilet.