Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.
One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says, “I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe.”
The other says, “I just wish it were dark.”
Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It’s all very tongue in cheek.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, “Nervous about flying?”
The nervous guy replies, “N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die.”
“Is this your first time flying?”
“N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job.”
“Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross- country?”
“H-he would never l-let me do that”
“Why not?” asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, “B-because, I’m the p-pilot.”
What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter?
“If you’re not in bed by 12, you can come home!”
Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How’s yer new bride?
Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren’t good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain’t good enuf fer ours!
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?
Because English are the only one’s who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second!
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya paid fer the rifle
sahil
27 Dec, 2007