jokesdot.com

You might be a redneck if…

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You’ve ever used lard in bed.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

Call a bowling alley, and ask, “Do you have 10 lb. balls?”

When the attendent says yes, ask, “Then how the hell do you walk?”

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them.

So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said,

”Now, what do I give them to drink?”

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat whatever bugs them

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. “Spread Eagle” is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for “sailor”. T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for “yearly”. T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on “Gunsmoke”. T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for “twelve”. T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

What do blondes and shrimps have in common?

Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits are nice.

One day a string was walking down the street.
He was really thirsty and decided to get a drink at a nearby bar.

So he walks up to the bar tender and says, “I’d like a beer, please.”

The bartender looks at him like he’s crazy and says, “I can’t serve you, you’re a string.

Go on. Get out of here.” So the string goes outside and thinks of a way to look more like a person.

He knots himself toward the top and frays the string to look like a head with hair.

He goes back inside and tries again.

The bartender says suspiciously, “Hey, aren’t you the string that was just in here a few minutes ago?” The string replies, “I’m afraid not!” (I’m a frayed knot)

Yo Mama is so fat, her ass has it’s own congressman.