A blonde entered a store to buy a television.
A salesman approached her and asked if she wanted a color television.
“What color?” asked the blonde.
Oct
29
sahil
29 Oct, 2007
Oct
29
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.
Oct
29
The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
I stepped on a rake.
Oct
29
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”
“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”
Oct
29
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001″).
Oct
28
…, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, that’s true.” answered the lawyer.
“And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries–is that true, mister lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?”
‘Cause I was thinkin’–maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve been dating …”
Oct
28
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Oct
28
What do you call a blonde in the snow?
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A ’snow-flake’!
Oct
28
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat. He said “Jack let me tell you something, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and said to your mother ‘here try these on’ So she did and said ‘these are too big, I can’t wear them.’ So I replied, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So on his honeymoon night Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.” So she does and says, “These are too large, they don’t fit me.”
So Jack says, “Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you ever to forget it.”
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says “Here, you try mine on.” so he does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.” So Jill says,
“Exactly, and if you don’t change your attitude ,you never will.”
Oct
28
This is the README file from the official ftp site for the IOCCC.
Copyright © 1993, Landon Curt Noll & Larry Bassel. All Rights Reserved. Permission for personal, educational or non-profit use is granted provided this this copyright and notice are included in its entirety and remains unaltered. All other uses must receive prior permission in writing from both Landon Curt Noll and Larry Bassel.
Obfuscate: tr.v. -cated, -cating, -cates. 1. a. To render obscure. b. To darken. 2. To confuse: Their emotions obfuscated their judgement. [LLat. obfuscare, to darken : ob(intensive) + Lat. fuscare, to darken macros clutter up the output. If the entry requires or suggests the use of compile line options (such as -Dindex=strchr) they should be added after the ‘-E’ flag.
The next stage towards understanding is to use a C beautifier or C indenting program on the source. Be warned that a number of these entries are so twisted that such tools may abort or become very confused. You may need to help out by doing some initial formatting with an editor. You might also try renaming variables and labels to give more meaningful names.
Now try linting the program. You may be surprised at how little lint complains about these programs. Pay careful attention to messages about unused variables, wrong types, pointer conversions, etc. But be careful, some lints produce incorrect error messages or even abort! Your lint may detect syntax errors in the source. See the next paragraph for suggestions on how to deal with this.
When you get to the stage where you are ready to compile the program examine the compilation comments above each entry. A simple define or edit may be required due to differing semantics between operating systems. If you are able to successfully compile the program, experiment with it by giving it different arguments or input. You may also use the makefile provided to compile the program. Keep in mind that C compilers often have bugs, or features which result the program failing to compile. You may have to do some syntax changing as we did to get old programs to compile on strict ANSI C compilers.
Last, read the judges’ comments/spoilers on the program. Hints for foo.c are given in foo.hint. Often they will contain suggested arguments or recommended data to use.
If you do gain some understanding of how a program works, go back to the source and reexamine it using some of the techniques outlined above. See if you can convince yourself of why the program does what it does.
About the judges:
As of 1990 the contest had two judges: Landon Curt Noll (contest founder) and Larry Bassel (judge since 1985). Landon works as a systems programmer for Pyramid Technology and Larry works as an systems programmer for Sun Microsystems. In real life, both judges STRONGLY DISLIKE obfuscated code.
Regarding the source archive:
Each sub-directory contains all the entries for a single year. Often the file names match one of the last names of the author. Judges’ hints are given in files of the form `*.hint’. The makefiles given are set up for a System V based machine. As of 1990, makefiles for both ‘K&R’ and ANSI C are given. You may need to tweak the Makefile to get everything to compile correctly. Read the hint files for suggestions. The rules for a given year are given in the file named `rules’. Each archive contains a copy of the rules for the upcoming contest.
Regarding the distribution of sources:
All contest results are in the public domain. We do ask that you observe the following request:
You may shar these files with others, but please do not prevent them of doing the same. If some of these files and/or contest entries are published in printed form, or if you use them in a business or classroom setting, please let us know. We ask that you drop a line to the ‘judges’ Email box. As of 1990, it is:
judges@toad.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it -or- …!{sun,uunet,utzoo,pyramid}!hoptoad!judges
This could change from year to year, so consult the current rules
Some final things to remember:
While the idea for the contests has remained the same through the years, the contest rules and guidelines vary. What was novel one year may be considered common the next. The categories for awards differ because they are determined after the judges examine all of the entries.
The judges’ hints assume that the program resides in a file with the same username as the author. Where there is more than one author, the first named author is used.
Some C compilers are unable to compile some of these programs. The judges tried to select programs that were widely portable and compilable, but did not always succeed. As of 1990, and entry may use both `K&R’ and ANSI C compilers. Makefiles for both types fo C compilers are used. See the contest rules for details.
The contest rules are posted in early March. The winners are announced at the Usenet BOF of the Summer Usenix conference. Later they are posted to the net.
The rules are posted to the following Usenet news groups:
comp.unix.wizards
comp.lang.c
misc.misc
alt.sources
comp.sources.d
If you don’t have access to the above groups, or if you missed the early March posting, you may request a copy from the judges via Email are the address givenm above.
As of 1990, the winners are often posted to the following Usenet news groups:
comp.sources.unix
comp.lang.c
alt.sources
One may also ftp the winners via uunet.uu.net.
You are strongly encouraged to read the new contest rules before sending any entries. Theurules, and sometimes the contest Email address itself, change from time to time. A valid entry one year may be rejected in a later year due to changes in the rules. The typical start date for a contest is early March. The typical end date for a contest is late May.
Last, PLEASE don’t code in the style of these programs It is hoped that you will gain an understanding that poor style destroys an otherwise correct program. Real programmers don’t write obfuscated programs, unless they are submitting a contest entry! 
Happy pondering,