More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS’ The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America’s Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke “ejector” stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the “talking” filler.
Head banging elevated to “fine art”.
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One “Get Out of the Doghouse” card.

sahilSports Jokes31 Oct, 2007No Comments

After having their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in West Virginie), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Hillbilly said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me” So, the couple drove to Arkansas to get a second opinion.

The Arkansas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from West Virginia. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

sahilRedneck Jokes31 Oct, 2007No Comments

A blonde was walking by an office building late one night and noticed a sign that read: Press bell for night watchman.”
So, she did.

Soon she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally, he made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he growled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself?” the blonde replied.

sahilBlonde Jokes31 Oct, 2007No Comments

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

MOMMY: “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life.”

LITTLE GIRL: “Then why is the groom wearing black?”

sahilMarriage Jokes31 Oct, 2007No Comments

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??

A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

sahilComputer Jokes31 Oct, 2007No Comments

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

sahilMarriage Jokes30 Oct, 2007No Comments

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You’ve hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat.
Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Walmart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You’ve asked the preacher “How’s it hangin’?”
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.
Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
You’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

sahilRedneck Jokes30 Oct, 2007No Comments

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater.

He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet.

There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet.

When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on.

Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear.

The guy writes back, ”Because I’m drowning, asshole!”

sahilSports Jokes30 Oct, 2007No Comments

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “Ladies, we live in very difficult times for young people. During moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
At that point, a young blonde woman at the back of the room stood up and asked, “”Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

sahilBlonde Jokes30 Oct, 2007No Comments

These were sent to me in one huge email. Many of them are stupid, some are the same as quotes in another page of quotes in my funny pages. This is a really long list.

——————————————————————————–
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Sign on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

….Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

1 + 1 = 3 for sufficient quantities of 1. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don’ *NEED* no steenking backups.

… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Hit any user to continue.

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

sahilComputer Jokes30 Oct, 2007No Comments