Original: “12 Days of Christmas”
On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

sahilComputer Jokes24 Sep, 2007No Comments

Three women are about to be executed for crimes they committed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the brunette yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” The redhead then screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did and knew exactly what she needed to do. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…”

The blonde shouts, “Fire!”

sahilBlonde Jokes24 Sep, 2007No Comments

*What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
-The entire Indian Innings.

*Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
-In Advertisements.

*When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?
-When he is bowling.

*What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
-The walk back to the pavilion.

*How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50
overs?
-Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

*What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
-3 runs in 3 balls.

*What is the height of optimism ?
-Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

sahilSports Jokes24 Sep, 2007No Comments

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

sahilMarriage Jokes24 Sep, 2007No Comments

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

“Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury,” concluded the lawyer, “you’ve looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?”

Found in Laff-a-Day.

sahilRedneck Jokes24 Sep, 2007No Comments

There was a blonde and she wanted to buy a TV and so she went to a store to buy a TV. She goes in the store and looks around and finds a TV she really likes.

She goes up to the man at the cash register and says “Hey can I buy this TV?”

The guy says “No, I don’t sell any thing to blondes!”

Sad, she leaves the store but then as she is passing a salon she has a good idea ( for once) she thought “I am gonna dye my hair.”

The next day she comes in the store with black hair she finds the TV and says “Hello. can I buy this TV?”

“No, I don’t sell to blondes”

Well, this dyeing her hair a different color goes on and on at last she dyes she hair blue, comes in and says “Can I get a TV?”

“No, I don’t sell to blondes.” he said for the 6th time.

“But how do you know I am a blonde?”

“Because miss that isn’t a TV, it is a microwave.”

sahilSports Jokes23 Sep, 2007No Comments

I don’t wanna do the dishes
I don’t wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!

I don’t wanna rattle pots
I don’t wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin’
I wanna chat with friends!

Oh the tables need some dustin’
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place to stop.

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin’ round in circles
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

sahilComputer Jokes23 Sep, 2007No Comments

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

sahilBlonde Jokes23 Sep, 2007No Comments

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: “What’s for dinner?”
SAFER: “Can I help you with dinner?”
SAFEST: “Where would you like to go for dinner?”

DANGEROUS: “Are you wearing THAT?”
SAFER: “Gee, you look good in brown.”
SAFEST: “Wow! Look at you!”

DANGEROUS: “What are you so worked up about?”
SAFER: “Could we be overreacting?”
SAFEST: “Here’s fifty dollars.”

DANGEROUS: “Should you be eating that?”
SAFER: “You know, there are a lot of apples left.”
SAFEST: “Can I get you a glass of wine with that?”

DANGEROUS: “What did you DO all day?”
SAFER: “I hope you didn’t overdo today.”
SAFEST: “I’ve always loved you in that robe.”

sahilMarriage Jokes23 Sep, 2007No Comments

I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can’t feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
Wrestling’s fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don’t need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
I don’t have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight.
Taken from Daily Comix.

I want the confederate flag down. (from Owen351)
Let’s move to the city! (from Owen351)
That is enough children. (from Owen351)
We have too many dogs! (from Owen351)
I don’t want to go huntin’. (from Musclman84)
I’ll take a root beer. (from FSUFAN89)
My house doesn’t have wheels. (from FSUFAN89)
“You guys.” (from TeresaandJoeS)
I had too much beer. (from GriMc64)
Dont you think my truck is to big? (from LolJameslol)
I hate John Deere. (from Redneckbaby)
Oh, that ain’t a dog that’s my pet mule. (from TStormy757)
I don’t think I want a gun rack in my truck, they are just too tacky. (from Albion1977)
Elivis who? (from BluZmbie)
I’m glad the South didn’t win. (from JeremyJ78)
No more Tobasco, it’s too hot. (from JeremyJ78)
Did you get the new Snoop Doggy Dogg CD yet? (from JeremyJ78)
I wish Hank Williams Jr. and George Jones would quit drinkin’. (from JeremyJ78)
Come in kids, it’s too cold. (from Teen8784)
Today is my first day back to school (since I quit in 3rd grade). (from CoolManMike2006)
I’m too drunk to go huntin’. (from Teen8784)
Give me a Coke. (from Teen8784)
Don’t run that deer over. (from Teen8784)
Kids, stop playin’ with those matches. (from Teen8784)
I’m tired of beer. (from Teen8784)
My CB antenna is too high. (from Teen8784)
Go outside to spit. (from Teen8784)
Turn your head to cough. (from Teen8784)
Hope I don’t get caught doin’ this. (from Teen8784)
Quit spittin’. (from Teen8784)
The death sentence?! That’s a little harsh don’t you think? (from Myerslaue)
I don’t think your brushing your teeth in the back enough son. (from Myerslaue)
My tires are big enough. (from Redneckgal0200)
Drinking is pointless. (from Redneckgal0200)
Honey your jeans are too tight. (from Redneckgal0200)
I wasn’t confused by the election ballot. (from Joann R.)
I voted for the candidate I meant to vote for and just one time. (from Joann R.)
Pass the soap. (from Myerslaue)
I am a city boy! (from Kateredneck2004)
What color are my teeth? (from Kateredneck2004)
Who is Richard Petty? (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
That gun’s too big for me to shoot. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Slow down, you’re drivin’ too fast. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
NASCAR racing is boring. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I don’t drink. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Fishin’ is boring. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I don’t like huntin’. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I think deer tastes nasty. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Yo! (from Girlsloveme67863)
Slow down there’s an armadillo in the road. (from Myerslaue)
I missed the deer by a mile. (from LIFEISPEACHY000)
Honey, kick the dog out of the bed. (from Sam Lawson)
It wasnt me that farted. (from Sam Lawson)
I left my shotgun at home. (from Sam Lawson)
Smokin’ and drinkin’s bad for your health! (from Dixiedarlin1986)
Son I don’t want that gun rack put in your go-kart. (from DRDREw5143)
What’s up my homey? (from DRDREw5143)
No thank you, I don’t want any Skoal. (from DRDREw5143)
Son, speak proper English. (from DRDREw5143)
Excuse me madame. (from DRDREw5143)
I don’t believe in spanking my children. (from DRDREw5143)
I don’t like Dale Earnhart anymore. (from DRDREw5143)
Honey, we need a new hard drive for the computer. (from DRDREw5143)
I ain’t touched a beer in a week. (from PRINE16)
Honey I am too tired for sex. (from Supercowboy86)
Leave the cooler at home. (from Supercowboy86)
I want “Romeo and Juilet” instead of “Hustler.” (from Supercowboy86)
I need directions. (from Supercowboy86)
Do I smell ok? (from Supercowboy86)
Stop them two dogs, they’re gonna kill each other. (from bayou220l)
Son, you better not drink that 40 then go to the rifle range. (from KnightofNi62)
The Dukes of Hazzard is dumb because the characters are immature. (from KnightofNi62)
Yankee? Sure we would love fer you to stay! (from LITMISREDNECK)
I don’t like grits. (from LITMISREDNECK)
I think they should take the Dukes of Hazzard off the air, it’s getting boring. (from Hazzardfan1)
The color of the General Lee is ugly. (from Hazzardfan1)
Duct tape won’t fix that. (from Teen8784)
I don’t chew. (from Ba185dude)
I hate the country. (from Princess20011201)
How can anyone keep a car jacked up on blocks? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Remember, keep the chickens out of the front yard. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don’t bring that Elvis TV tray in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I want my yard to be the best kept one in the block. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I will never wear blue jeans. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don’t play that country music in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can people listen to Bluegrass music? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can anyone drink moonshine? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What is a still? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I hate cowboy boots. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Why do you want all those lights on your truck? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Honey, two children is a big enough family. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Now why does anyone need a coon dog? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What is a moon pie? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I hate cowboy hats. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don’t bring that dog in the house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can he marry his cousin? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Who could sleep with their sister? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let’s paint the house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let’s get rid of the truck, it’s starting to rust. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Please, don’t park in the yard. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Put curtains on the bedroom window, not a blanket or a sheet. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Those tires are too big for my truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Just a simple truck, I don’t want to draw attention. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I do not want to see a gun in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I don’t think I could hurt a deer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let’s talk, fighting gets you nowhere. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don’t let that dog in my truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
We should buy the car, not the truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What do I need a truck for? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Remember kids, be like Dad, say “No” to beer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I don’t want to live in a trailer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Education and family values are everything. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Never chew tobacco, smoke, or use snuff. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Never have more children than you can afford. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What are food stamps? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Hank Williams Jr. wasn’t really all that good of a singer. (from the_marlboro_man_84)
I think I’ll have a non-alcoholic beer. (from Teen8784)
No honey, you sit down and I’ll do the cooking tonight. (from NKTrojan78)
Turn it to the home shopping network. (from RebelNBrighton)
Honey do you think this tube top is too tight? (from TSBALSAMO)

sahilRedneck Jokes23 Sep, 2007No Comments