A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

sahilLawyer Jokes23 Aug, 2007No Comments

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN’T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN’T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON’T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I’LL FUCK YOU UP! I’LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN’T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU’LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE…YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH

sahilBlonde Jokes23 Aug, 2007No Comments

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.” “No, from all that skipping.”

sahilChristmas Jokes23 Aug, 2007No Comments

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.” This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own fucking blanket!”

sahilMarriage Jokes23 Aug, 2007No Comments

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”

Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

sahilPolice Jokes22 Aug, 2007No Comments

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track – all straight!

sahilChristmas Jokes22 Aug, 2007No Comments

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

sahilAnimal Jokes22 Aug, 2007No Comments

There once was this blonde, and she was sitting at the table with her husband eating breakfast before he went to work. Out of the blue the blonde says,”Honey today while your at work I am goning to paint the house.” The husband says “No, no dear don’t paint the house because then when I come home from work I will just have to clean everything up, just please don’t do it.” So the husband went to work and when he came home the house smelled like paint. Then he went up to their bedroom, and he saw his wife laying on the floor with 2 coats on and sweating to death. He ran over to her and said, “Honey, honey what’s wrong why on earth are you sweating to death?” She got up and grabed the paint cane, went over to her husband and said, “Well look at the can dummy, it says for best results put on 2 coats!”

sahilBlonde Jokes22 Aug, 2007No Comments

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling — I’ll see you in two hours!”

sahilMarriage Jokes22 Aug, 2007No Comments

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

sahilPolice Jokes21 Aug, 2007No Comments