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• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

• Job interfering with your drinking.

• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

• Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

• Two hands and just one mouth… - now THAT’S a drinking problem!

• You can focus better with one eye closed.

• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

• Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you

• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.

“Bet you $10 he won’t,” replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

“Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?” the bartender asked.

“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says “Do you know how I am?”

The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”

The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid?”

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “nah, I’ve been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?”

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

“What do you think you’re doing there?” the policeman asked.

“I’m on my works outing” came the slurred reply.

“Then” the policeman queried, “where are all the others?”

“Ah” the man grinned, “You see officer, I’m self employed!”

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said “Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!”

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, “A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you’re at it, have one yourself.”

“Well thank you sir,” says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, “Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else.”

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, “Excuse me sir, but don’t you think you should pay me for that last round first?”

The guy slurs, “I can’t. I don’t have any money.” With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, “A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends.”

“I suppose you’ll be offering me a drink too?” the barman asks, marvelling at the guy’s nerve.

“Not likely,” slurs the guy, “you get nasty when you’ve had a drink!”