Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Apr
10
admin
10 Apr, 2007
Apr
10
These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.
“Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.”
“Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins.”
“Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.”
“Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”
“Please excuse Joyce from jim today.”
“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
“Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”
“John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”
“Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.”
“My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie’s is brusted and sticking in his Gum’s.”
“Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”
“My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.”
“Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.”
“Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.”
Apr
10
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
Apr
10
Pharmacist handing prescription to customer: “Take one of these every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.”
Apr
10
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
“Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. “Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”
“I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought.
“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”
“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?”
“I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. “Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”
“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”
Apr
10
Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Apr
10
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, “I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!” The other guy looked at him and declared, “I did not!”
Apr
10
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
”No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”
”Now,” she said, ”if only I could find my parakeet.”
Apr
10
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”
Apr
10
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it’s yours.